The many masks of mania.

For a time, I honestly didn’t believe that I had mania, or any manic symptoms. I never saw it. Stories I had heard and the symptoms I had read about were so crazy, so severe, so irrational. But, since then I’ve learned that hypo-mania (the mania associated with bipolar II) comes in many sneaky forms.

Everyone has days that they feel like they’ve got it together, and life is good.

I have come to realize that my days like that, more often than not, have a little bit more to them. Those are the days that I make irresponsible decisions that I really haven’t thought out. It just feels so right, so I do it. Most of the time I can stop myself, with much conscious effort, but there are times when I don’t have that control. So, hers is how these seemingly “regular” moods go:

Productivity:

  • Normal- Finish your homework, knock some things off of your to do list, get a run or some exercise in.
  • Manic me- I’M GONNA SCRUB MY ROOM TOP TO BOTTOM! THEN I’M GOING TO DO EVERYTHING ON MY TO DO LIST AND THEN MAKE SOME THINGS UP THAT I DON’T NEED TO DO! I’M GONNA MAKE A LOT OF LISTS! SO MANY DAMN LISTS! THEN I’M GOING TO PLAN OUT MY WHOLE LIFE ON A WORD DOCUMENT! AND THEN I’M GOING TO RUN AND DO LAUNDRY THAT DOESN’T NEED TO BE DONE!

Feeling like I’ve got it all together/being overly optimistic:

  • Normal- Good feelings about the future, proud of your accomplishments, proud of yourself, not much could get you down.
  • Manic me- I AM GOING TO RUN SHIT, HOT DAMN YOU ARE GOOD! I AM BULLETPROOF! YOU GO GIRL! NOTHING CAN GET YOU DOWN! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A BAD THING! THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER AND I AM A SHINY, SHINY PEARL! DAMN YOU LOOK GOOD TODAY! EVERYTHING IS PERFECT! SOOOOO PERFECT! I’VE NEVER BEEN SAD IN MY LIFE!

Creativity:

  • Normal- Starting a project, rearranging or decorating, baking, crafting, painting etc.
  • Manic me- I AM GOING TO REARRANGE MY WHOLE ROOM! I’M GOING TO START A PROJECT, MOVE ON TO THE NEXT ONE HALF WAY THROUGH AND REPEAT THAT SCENARIO 5,000 TIMES! I’M GOING TO WHIP OUT A SKETCH PAD AND STARE AT IT FOR TWO HOURS! I’M GOING TO GET HYPED UP AND THINK OF STORIES AND NEVER WRITE THEM DOWN! I’M GONNA GET MY HAIR DONE AND THEN CRY ABOUT IT! I’M GOING TO GO IN THE GARAGE AND HAMMER SOME NAILS INTO SOME SHIT!

America the beautiful:

  • Normal- Taking in the world around you, seeing the beauty in people.
  • Manic me- EVERYTHING IS SO BEAUTIFUL! GORGEOUS! I’M GOING TO LIVE IN THE WOODS! I’M GOING TO GO WALK AROUND IN THE PARK AND STARE AT THINGS! IT’S ALL SO BEAUTIFUL IT HURTS!

Sometimes my bipolar is talking a lot of hyped up, rapid shit. I won’t lie, it is nice. It feels good to have that burst of optimism, energy, and that small feeling that nothing can touch me and I’ve got it all together. It isn’t crazy and overwhelming, it can fly under the radar, but it can be a nice break.

 

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One thought on “The many masks of mania.

  1. OMG, how many times have I started an ambitious project only to let it hang halfway done (or worse started out great and then goes to crappy towards the end when I get tired of it). We were going to replace the carpet in 2 of the bedrooms upstairs. Mr Mania says, “Well, since we are pulling up the carpet, why don’t I pull up the sub floor too so that I can take care of those squeaks, and since the subfloor will be out I can blow in insulation to keep the rooms more cozy, and, since I am going to do this I need to get a screw gun that looks like an uzi because I’m going to use the hell out of it”. Well, one bedroom got a new subfloor with insulation (turned out very nice) and the other just got a few floorboards tacked down. It just wasn’t as much fun any more and there was more shit to do. (then I moved on to crown moulding). Mania sure is fun, but the mess that it makes sure sucks.

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