I have issues with lines. Seeing lines, knowing when to draw them, all of it.
The latest instance of this that I have noticed is the line between someone not being there for you, and expecting too much out of another person who also has a life and needs of their own,
When I’m on a multiple month bender of instability and psychotic breaks, I fully understand how my loved ones may need a break from me.
Now, after months of pretty even ground, I am having an episode. I now what is going on, I had to take prescribed pain medication which I usually avoid at all costs for this very reason. So, I know why I suddenly have these feelings and I know that they’ll pass soon enough.
Back to the beginning…I need someone today, I need comfort, support, and human contact. I’m not playing games, I’ve asked for it and I’ve been denied. I’m at a loss on how to feel or handle it. I’m frustrated and uneasy, at the very least I just want someone next to me. Truthfully, I need it.
After my own needs, selfishness, and upset, I guess a large part of it boils down to the way I love. Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s what I have and what I’ve learned from it, but when I love it is with everything in me. There is not a thing I would not do, or an obstacle I would not overcome for the sake of those I love. I have always, and will always be willing to drop everything to be there for those I love.
My schedule and general life are of an easy going nature, but that isn’t why I can do that. I understand waiting for the end of the work day, being low on gas money, etc. I guess I just don’t understand not being willing to power through everything else.
I don’t know if I am asking or expecting too much, being too needy, or comparing the actions of others to my own feelings and hypothetical scenarios.
Things with me are blurry a lot of the time, but when it is clear, why not take advantage? Most of those I am closed to are always at a loss when it comes to helping me. When I ask is when it is extremely clear that I need someone. When I collect the strength and courage to reach out, I need someone to grab my hand.