How to deal.

I have issues with lines. Seeing lines, knowing when to draw them, all of it.

The latest instance of this that I have noticed is the line between someone not being there for you, and expecting too much out of another person who also has a life and needs of their own,

When I’m on a multiple month bender of instability and psychotic breaks, I fully understand how my loved ones may need a break from me.

Now, after months of pretty even ground, I am having an episode. I now what is going on, I had to take prescribed pain medication which I usually avoid at all costs for this very reason. So, I know why I suddenly have these feelings and I know that they’ll pass soon enough.

Back to the beginning…I need someone today, I need comfort, support, and human contact. I’m not playing games, I’ve asked for it and I’ve been denied. I’m at a loss on how to feel or handle it. I’m frustrated and uneasy, at the very least I just want someone next to me. Truthfully, I need it.

After my own needs, selfishness, and upset, I guess a large part of it boils down to the way I love. Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s what I have and what I’ve learned from it, but when I love it is with everything in me. There is not a thing I would not do, or an obstacle I would not overcome for the sake of those I love. I have always, and will always be willing to drop everything to be there for those I love.

My schedule and general life are of an easy going nature, but that isn’t why I can do that. I understand waiting for the end of the work day, being low on gas money, etc. I guess I just don’t understand not being willing to power through everything else.

I don’t know if I am asking or expecting too much, being too needy, or comparing the actions of others to my own feelings and hypothetical scenarios.

Things with me are blurry a lot of the time, but when it is clear, why not take advantage?  Most of those I am closed to are always at a loss when it comes to helping me. When I ask is when it is extremely clear that I need someone. When I collect the strength and courage to reach out, I need someone to grab my hand.

 

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7 thoughts on “How to deal.

  1. Hey, Dani Ellis turned me on to your blog. You are one gifted writer. I’ve been trying to explain a lot of this and you state things very clearly. I’m going to send your address out to family and friends so they can learn a little too. I get the desire for human contact and support; there have been countless times in my life that I needed that and it wasn’t there. Don’t isolate!!! I will write more to you later, but just know that there are people who support you and will be there for you. Going into a depressive cycle can just make that hard to see.

  2. This, like so many other of your blog posts, is so similar to my own experiences that I could have written it myself.

    I find that when I reach out, I tend to do it in a way that pushes people away rather than bringing them closer to me. I think people get afraid of what they think I want from them. Most of the time I want nothing more than for someone to just be there. I don’t want to talk about my shit beyond sharing enough so that people know what is wrong with me, and I don’t want anyone to try to fix me. I just want people to truly know me and understand that sometimes I really just need the company of another person to help me get through the day, even if that’s just having coffee and chatting about the weather for half an hour. But I scare people away with, as you put it, all the sh!t my bipolar says. They think I want more. I don’t. I just wish I had a way of conveying how much I need someone to just sit with me sometimes without making them want to run away from me.

    • I’ve got serious word vomit, and I always feel like I’m doing some kind of disservice to myself if I don’t say all of this stuff and try to explain everything in my head. And all that stuff is what overwhelms other people and chases them off, or confuses them. I put all this stuff in their hands and they don’t know how to hold it. But really what I need is to just say as much as I can out loud and just get it out. It’s like a pressure release. And truly after that I don’t want/expect some secret thing. I just needs some good ole human contact.

  3. Yes, exactly. Wanting people to listen isn’t the same as wanting them to do something, but it’s really hard to convey that. It’s what therapy is for, I guess, but I’m not completely fulfilled with sharing everything with my therapist because I’m paying her to listen to me. I want human contact with people who are there because they want to be, not because I’m paying for it.

  4. I wish I knew how to just say “hey, I need to be with someone right now, would you take a walk with me?” or something. I’m afraid to ask people directly if they would be willing to be a person I could spend some time with when I need to not be alone because I’m afraid of being rejected – I assume everyone will say ‘no’, that it’s too much to ask.

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