At times I have a lot of trouble separating my thoughts from reality. Is it my gut talking to me, or is it my crazy? Hard to tell.
Now I’m not saying that Elvis rents a room in my basement and I’ve got a unicorn in the back yard (more power to you if you do)
Things are foggy and I get so desperate for clarity. Controlling the rapid succession of thoughts is hard enough, throw in the cycling and rumination and you’ve got trouble.
Thoughts spin around and around in my head until eventually I act on them. I open my mouth and let the emotional word vomit splatter all over the place. There is always that tiny meek little voice in the in the back of my mind that says don’t do it, that knows I’m not in the right mindset. Learning to differentiate and suppress the crazy talk in my head is no easy task. The reality of it is that the most beneficial thing for everyone is for me to wait it out and not say anything until I am thinking clearly. The toughest part is that the constant ruminating can make things feel so real that I convince myself that I have to act on it. Intensity is the best word to describe it. I’ve got to lance the would and relieve some pressure.
For the sake of making sense, here are some of the most common things that I like to convince myself of and let slip out…
-I am wearing down the patience of everyone I love, inching closer and closer to the moment they abandon me. Everything that I say and do, that I deem negative, is a strike against me.
-I am disappointing my loved ones every time I have an episode, I’m hard to love.
-I will never ever have a break. Regrouping will never be possible to me.
-What if I am not bipolar, what if I am just a whiny bitch that can’t handle anything?
The list goes on and on.