5 letter word, starts with S.

Apologies are meaningless for some. Some say sorry to move passed things and don’t really mean it. For others saying sorry is more difficult. Some refuse to say it because of pride, stubbornness, or perceived dominance, even when they know they were in the wrong.

Apologies mean a lot to me, not trivial ones, but apologies that come after fights where no one, both, or one was in the wrong. The apologies that come after misdeeds and sharp tongues. I need to hear the words to let things go, to reprogram. I know I fuck up, it’s not lost on me. When I am deep in some intense cycling, I watch and hear myself do and say cruel things. I don’t want to, I know I don’t mean it, but I can’t always stop myself. I do however take full responsibility. I’m not looking for submission.

Hearing them helps me too. I suppose the two biggest things I am looking for are acknowledgement and compassion. But on top of that it does help me to not beat myself up so bad. It shows me that not every single thing is entirely on me.

Sorry is the only thing I have ever felt I had to make a difference. I never fail to apologize, no matter how small the issue. I do it because it’s all I can do. I want to acknowledge what I did and make known my true feeling. I put my feelings on the table. I reiterate my love. And THAT is the only way I can even start to move passed it all.

So, never underestimate the power of that five letter word that starts with S.

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