I don’t like to write when I’m feeling alright. When things are in a manageable state. And its for a variety of reasons. Mostly though, because A: I don’t want to revisit anything negative that could upset things in anyway. B: I don’t want to begin ruminating about the fact that it’ll all be back and I never know when. And of course there is C: Plain and simple superstition, I’m afraid that if I think about it, things will start to go down hill.
I spend a lot of my depressive time convincing myself that I am a burden, I’m exhausting, and that I’ll never be able to offer enough to make myself worth dealing with. Even though only a small number have, I am completely convinced that everyone I love will abandon me and its my own fault. I fear that I will be given up on for reasons I can’t control. I’m convinced I’m doomed because of things I didn’t ask for. Getting in fights, or anytime I feel like I need to apologize, are the worst. I see them as a step closer to being abandoned. Like every time I mess up is a strike against me and everyone is keeping track.
I’ve been dealing with rage on top of my somewhat medically induced depressive episode. All of which is directed at myself. Today I got to thinking about how I hate needing others, and it was a long train of thoughts to figuring out why. At first I toyed with the idea of disappointment. Because my loved ones do need breaks from me, which I get, but it means they can’t (avoiding the word won’t here) always be there when I need it. In addition, they have everyday life obligations just as much as I do. When they can’t be with me or even have a phone conversation I take it way too personally even though a level headed me knows I shouldn’t. So, I thought maybe it was because people will always disappoint. Then I realized how stupid that was. Eventually I got to the root of it. I hate not being self sufficient. Being with my boyfriend or my best friend, in particular takes so much of it away. I am able to forget whats going on in my head. If I can’t completely forget, I can push it aside and have at least a short break. I hate feeling so dependent on others. I don’t like feeling like I’m waiting for the next time I can get some relief. I want to be able to get it on my own. Although, much of the reason I get relief from them is due to the unsaid support and love I feel. While I can’t provide that for myself to that extent, I want to be able to be alone and not just make things worse in my head. I’ve tried hobbies, distractions and all that jazz but nothing seems to do it.
It’s always a work in progress and it always will be. This is just another pit stop on the road to long term stability. Hopefully the more I work on it I will be able to improve my alone time during my hard times. Not only for practical reasons and relief, but to know I accomplished another emotional goal.