Spring has sprung and things are blooming. The ice from my multiple month long episode, or whatever the fuck you want to call it, has almost completely melted. The problem? The blooms are dropping seeds of doubt. Like always I have my hands clenched on the arm rests, ready to brace myself for disaster. I will always have at least the tiniest inkling of worry that if I get too happy and level headed, that all hell will break loose again. This sensation is always the worst when things are looking up after a long period of down. With this there is also a lot of questioning in regards to my sanity, thoughts, decisions, etc. The opinions of others make it all the worse. If one of my loved ones disagrees with me or looks at something differently, I immediately question my own sanity and ability to access situations, and think clearly. I second guess myself. I have been so out of it for so long, I don’t know how to handle not being out of it. Its shit. I know it’ll pass, it always does, but that does not subtract from the shit factor. Whatever, manure is fertilizer, right?