While I am in the depths of despair (queue the drama), let’s talk about the role others play inside my head in the midst of all of this. As I previously mentioned, I need a lot of attention during an episode. But, there comes a point when I start to push people away. It starts out with a general loss of interest in all things. I begin to lose the desire to socialize and communicate with others, it even becomes a chore. In my own twisted mind I view pushing everyone away as a necessary measure and somewhere along the lines of emotional safeguarding. I tell myself that everyone will be gone or will have abandoned me at some point, so I might as well push them away and harden myself in preparation. I don’t even want to look at my loved ones because it hurts. I just want to swallow myself whole and be left alone to my own thoughts. I don’t want to deal with trying to explain or pretending there is nothing going on. I don’t want others to worry. I don’t want to be responsible for any thought in another person’s head. Even in public places where I am completely anonymous I want to be left alone. I want to go inside the gas station and pay for my gas without saying a word or making eye contact. Fear comes into play as well. I am afraid to communicate because I am so afraid of something being said that may upset me further, or realizing that watching me go through this is hurting my loved ones. I tend to convince myself that everyone is fed up with me, and by pushing them away I am delaying something terrible, or avoiding it. Somewhere in the very back of my head where things still make a little sense, I know this all makes no sense. It may feel good at the time, but it is unhealthy and destructive.
Push it, push it real good.