Road to a Bipolar Episode: Day 3

Day 3: Neediness & Rage (2.19.13)

I need constant attention, love, and affection today. However, I am feeling about as predictable as a wild animal. At what point does asking for these needs to be met become too much to ask of others, or unfair to them? How would you like to cuddle with an anaconda? Maybe spoon with an axe murderer? No? Well, that’s what I am asking for today.

In addition to the emotional neediness of a sugar glider, it has come to my attention that I have become filled with irrational, misdirected anger along with a lack of any level of patience. To give you an idea of what I mean by that, here is a glimpse at some of the shit my bipolar was spewing in all directions today. (Side note: None of this was said out loud, luckily)

• To set up for this first one you have to know that the road to my house has land and ponds on both sides of it, and during warm weather the turtle population of these ponds like to go back and forth between the two ponds. I pull over on that road multiple times a week to move slow moving turtles out of the road. The road dead ends to some sort of company that transports large quantities of gravel etc from the site to wherever else, another pertinent piece of information. Anyway. As I was making my way down the road this morning, there was a large truck in front of me. I looked out the passenger window and as I brought my eyes back to center I saw something flying up into the air out of the corner of my eye. It was a turtle. I think this is really what kick started it all. The more I thought about the turtle and how there was no sign of the truck driver being bothered or even aware of what had happened, the more enraged I became. “How would you like it if I hit you with that truck and didn’t even bat an eye?!”
• “Stop. Coughing. STOP COUGHING. STOP FUCKING COUGHING!” You know how some people get set off by the way other people chew and eventually kill that person because they can’t stand to watch the persons temples move as they chew? Well, today, that’s how I felt about people coughing for whatever reason, minus the murder of course.
• “Oh, you think it’s acceptable to park in such a manner that no one can park on either side or in front of you? I bet you’ll feel differently after I cover your pimp mobile in poodle stickers from the dollar store across the parking lot. We’ll see how many bitches you can take home from Wal-Mart then!”
• “Of course I want my tea to be sweet! Do I look like an old British woman in a pant suit with a perpetual scowl on her face? NO! I look like a lovely young woman full of sugary sweetness that she gets from her SWEET tea! Now make it sweet god damn it!”
• “Seriously. Look at me and then look away as soon as I look up, one more time! I will give you something that you don’t want to make eye contact with!”

Most of the more amusing rage filled thoughts were lost after I took a nap, but you get the point.

Today I just need the shit squeezed out of me, bear hug style. I need happiness and kindness beaten into me. Today is one of those days where no one really knows if I am about to give a hug or a punch to the jaw. Funny part is, I kind of want to do both. Which, is what I am going to take as the first sign that I am moving into a mixed episode. For me, these are my most common episodes. Assuming this is what is in store for the next week or so, if you see a girl skipping around town hitting people with a baseball bat while humming show tunes, that’s probably me.


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