Day 2: Unsettled & Agitated, moving onto emotional neediness (2.18.13)
I woke up this morning feeling restless, physically and emotionally. As the day went on, I became more and more, unsettled. I can’t shake the feeling of needing something, the problem is I don’t know exactly what I need. Most of my thoughts are spent focusing on trying to figure out what I need, what will help, what will provide as much relief as possible. When I finally settle on something that might help, I bounce back and forth on whether it actually will or not, to getting upset when I think about it. The cherry on top is not knowing how to ask for it, let alone wanting to ask for it. Part of me just wants it to fall in my lap, and even though I know that isn’t going to happen, I still get upset that it doesn’t. Let’s face it, mostly what I need is A LOT OF FUCKING ATTENTION. It sounds simple, yet it is so complicated. It’s a case of the “I want you to want me” and the “I need you to need me’s.” I just want to know that I am loved, I am wanted, and I am needed. I need constant confirmation that I am not wearing my loved ones down, that I am not a burden, and that I will weather this storm, that WE will weather this storm. I become the needy girlfriend ten times over, but not just the girlfriend. I become the needy daughter, older sister, and friend. When I am not getting the affection and emotional reinforcement, so to speak, things being to go south. I thoughts and moods begin to boil over until I experience something akin to a sensory overload. At this point, I need something to bring me out of it before it engulfs me. I need to feel something physical, which I don’t yet understand. Maybe it’s to remember I am still here, maybe it’s to feel something besides what I feel in my head, or maybe it takes a big enough shock to revive my sanity to a livable level. When I am left alone, this becomes a problem. I yearn to be self destructive. While I haven’t given into this since my middle school and early high school days, it gets harder and harder with each episode. Causing physical harm to myself has never made sense to me, or seemed productive, but when I am left to myself in moments like these, it’s hard to think of much else. When I was in elementary school I would slap myself as hard as I could, or bang my head into the wall, just to try to bring myself back. My mom has told me that when I was really young the only way to help me get a hold of myself was to spank me. Of course at that time no one knew what was really going on with me. Today ends with a horrible feeling of impending doom. There is a storm coming and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I won’t know until it hits if it will be a rainstorm that gives way to a sunny day, or a full on hurricane that lasts for a week straight. And now we wait. Unfortunately there is no weather channel for bipolar disorder.